


Love me before the winter ends

by SonataNocturne



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Blood, Character Death, Feels, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Sad, Triggers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-26 00:15:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20034688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonataNocturne/pseuds/SonataNocturne
Summary: Josh didn't know love could hurt that much. And Tyler couldn't just leave.





	Love me before the winter ends

**Author's Note:**

> I have wanted to do this for a long time, but then another fandom tackled me with an idea to hanahaki fic so I did that first.

\-------

Josh's eyes were fixated to the ceiling and a third time in half an hour Tyler noticed him frowning.

"What's that?"

Shaking his head slowly Josh closed his eyes. He was imagining things and he knew why. It was going to start soon.

"You're sad."

"I am."

"Why?"

"Because it will change. Everything will", Josh said, his voice merely a whisper.

Tyler didn't know what Josh was talking about, nor he couldn't understand. But the twitch when he touched Josh's shoulder was telling him that he would, soon.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Josh had had the feeling for quite a while. First, it was just a tiny thing. Like an annoying buzzing sound somewhere in the far distance. Then it got louder. Closer. And soon it was so clear that it could have been a person screaming the words on his face.

As he felt the lips once again on his neck something was squeezing his lungs. The fingers were warm as ever on his sides and Tyler couldn't stop whispering the same words, but there was something else that wasn't releasing its hold of him.

Tyler thought Josh wasn't really there. He was closing in on himself. Quietly fading. And the way he shivered and gasped when Tyler's fingers raked the dark strands was overwhelming, strange. That way it had never happened before.

And after a few nights. Tyler had to ask.

"Josh. Have I done something?"

"No."

Josh swallowed thickly and turned his head away. Tyler couldn't understand. That he felt how wrong it was.

And Tyler kept stroking his hair, watching as Josh yet again shivered.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Tyler could have given up. But he cared too much. Josh wasn't himself and he had faith it would get better.

And once again when they lay on Josh's bed Tyler had a feeling there was something. Something else that Josh knew and he didn't.

"Am I not good enough?" Josh said, the words thick on his throat.

Tyler frowned and scooped him to a hug. "Always."

But even the arms squeezing him, comforting, showing that it was going to be okay, weren't enough. It had never been, but now it was too late for him.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

And on that day Josh had been staring out from the window. The snow was slowly falling and it made the scenery white. Almost blinding.

He had been doing it for hours. And Tyler sat on his bed and stared at him. Josh was beautiful but the sorrow was so heavy that it was like a fog surrounding Josh. He could almost taste it. And he did too, in the salty tears when Josh couldn’t stop crying.

When Josh saw the first rose petal he was glad Tyler didn’t. He wasn’t ready to go through the talk. The confusion, the blaming, the anger. The sadness that would never end. He knew there would be time for it. The inevitable.

As Tyler hugged him he stared at the black rose petal on his finger and wondered would it hurt. Would the death become like a lurking shadow, slowly swallowing him, or would it be obvious, announcing its arrival.

Then the night came and he couldn’t sleep. Tyler was tangled around him, sleeping peacefully. The thing inside his lungs was growing and if he held his breath he could almost feel it. Every single blossom reminding him how wrong it was.

Then the coughing started. First, it was like something stuck in his throat. After the third time Tyler had glanced him, frowning, he decided to hide it. The tiny drops of blood on his palm he wiped on the pants. The petals he hid on a book he was reading. _One, two, three, four…_ Between the last pages. He was counting them. When he reached to twenty he slammed the book shut and ran outside.

Tyler didn’t follow him. As he stood there staring at the snow on the driveway wiping the tears from his cheeks he tried to swallow the bitter taste from his tongue. Maybe if he would have met Tyler before. Maybe if he would have met someone else first. Maybe if Tyler would have been different. Lots of maybe’s. The cold wind blew through his bones and he wasn’t sure was he going to last even until the end. Lots of maybe’s and the only thing certain was that he was going to die.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

“Josh. Please.”

Tyler tried to catch his attention, but he was persistent. If he would fight the feeling, could it help? As he turned around to look at Tyler he realised there was nothing he could do. The smile made his heart bounce while the roses in his lungs bloomed more beautiful than ever. And he loved more than ever.

“Hey. You disappeared again.”

“Yeah.”

“Is it happy there?”

Frowning Josh let Tyler stroke his hair.

“Where you disappear. Is it a happy place?”

A soft smile and a shrug. Because Tyler was still there with him. He closed his eyes again to see the impossible. The happy place.

“Yeah. It is.”

“Maybe you can take me there with you one day?” Tyler suggested and Josh felt like choking. How bittersweet it was.

Behind his closed eyelids he saw words that actually meant something. That his smile could mean the same to Tyler as Tyler's did to him.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Another day went by in the haze. And another. He ran away to cough, not anymore able to count the petals. Staring at his sunken eyes in the mirror he wondered how far away would the verge be. Tyler would notice. One day he would.

But it didn’t take long. The next day he had had a coughing bout while Tyler was away. He couldn’t move. Shaking on the floor he wheezed, picking up the petals from his mouth. Tyler found him sitting on his apartment floor shirt soaked in blood and dappled with black rose petals. He didn’t say a word. His expression spoke just enough. Then Josh had another bout of coughs and shivered in pain.

“Will you fix me?” he whispered, wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth to his sleeve.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Tyler wanted. There was nothing in the world he wanted more. _To fix Josh._ To make those pretty eyes sparkle again. To bring him out from the darkness. To stop the pain.

But Josh wasn’t having it. Sometimes he pretended Tyler actually loved him. In the correct way. Then he curled into a ball as another wave of pain drowned him, coughing and coughing and he knew it was all just a lie.

One day Josh was beyond desperate. He kept pacing around asking himself _why._ Somehow the questions hurt every time more. The inevitable was getting closer.

“Why don’t you just love me?!”

He screamed for hours. Asking things. _Begging._ Tyler didn’t know what to do. When Josh finally stopped, slumping down on the floor he wrapped his arms around him.

It felt like Tyler wasn’t being honest, to himself. Because all the pretty words falling from his lips should have been soothing. They were supposed to convince Josh. Make the blossoming stop. But all he knew now was the pain that was piercing his lungs.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

It could have been a week. Or maybe it was just a day. Josh watched the snow outside and the temperature drop. The denial was burning in his veins. Maybe he was imagining it? Maybe he didn’t love Tyler after all. And then Tyler kissed his cheek and he knew that was a lie too. The joy that filled him when Tyler held him was only making the pain worse. Soon he was kneeling on the floor again, wailing from pain. More petals and more blood.

The next day he caught Tyler staring at the bloodstain on the floor. The way he looked back at him, the guilt shading his stare, could have driven Josh crazy.

“I’m sorry”, Tyler whispered.

Josh didn’t answer. Sorry wasn’t enough. It was one of those words that meant nothing now.

  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

"Is it... always that bad?" Tyler asked one day when Josh had been laying on the floor coughing and shivering for what felt like hours.

Josh wanted to lie. But it wouldn't have been fair. Wiping the tears from his cheeks he shook his head slowly.

"No. But it's getting closer."

Tyler watched the petals on the floor and sighed. "I won't accept it."

Josh wanted to scream at him. Tell him it wasn't right. That he should leave and not stay and watch him die. To move on and forget him. But Tyler held him. He said it would be okay. He helped him to shower and together they stared at the spiky point rising from the crook of Josh's neck. He didn't say anything and Josh didn't ask.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Nights weren't the worst. Tyler was sleeping. Josh was alone in his mind, watching as the shadows danced in the ceiling. But when the morning came it came with the reality.

"I love you so much", Tyler stroked his cheek, trying to ignore the stem. He could see another one sticking out already.

"Please stop", Josh gasped. The empty word was only making the flowers bloom.

"I have to do something."

"You can't. Just let me die in peace."

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

But he didn't. He stayed and watched Josh suffer. Sometimes the screaming was so loud that he had to go outside because he couldn't take it anymore. The sound chilled him to bone. Josh was in agony and he couldn't help. And the petals were everywhere. Sticking to Josh's wet cheeks and getting tangled in his hair. Josh stared at him gasping repeatedly, wiping the blood from his mouth. The despair written all over his face. Mouth fallen open, lips swollen, eyebrows knitted together.

"I didn't know it would be this hard", Josh croaked.

Tyler sat on the floor staring now at the petals on Josh's hair. The open window let freezing air in the room, but Josh was burning up. Skin gleaming with sweat, every muscle in his body tensed when he buried his face in his hands and rolled on his side, too feeble to even sit.

"I need to help you", Tyler murmured, touching the cold skin on Josh's bare back, finding several more stems fighting their way through the skin.

"I didn't know... love would hurt this much", the other answered, ignoring Tyler's words. It wouldn't matter anyway.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

He didn't know how long it would take anymore. He was vanishing, decaying. Skin paper-thin, turning ash grey, bones sticking out. But the worst part was the hollow stare. The only thing left was the misery. The anguish. Every part of his weak body was hurting. Tyler was once again staring him wail in the corner of the room. And he himself couldn't stop crying. Josh wasn't Josh anymore and he could never forgive himself.

And when the coughing stopped for a while Josh wiped his mouth to the back of his hand and shifted. Then he stared in front of him. Still, quiet. Tyler's heart skipped a beat when Josh finally let out a shaky breath.

"I love you."

"Don't say that. It hurts. It hurts so much", Josh sobbed pushing the other away as he tried to hold him.

Tyler could have been offended but only one he could blame was himself. So when Josh finally fell asleep on the pool of blood and petals he stroked his cheek until the morning light painted the room with gleaming yellow.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨

Then it had come to the point that Josh wanted the end to come. The love was so strong that every second with Tyler was torture. But through the tears, he smiled. If he would die for someone, he would die for Tyler.

The nights and days were blending in, only the last rays of evening light reminding him that the darkness was where it all ended.

The snow was so beautiful. Pure and cold. And Josh sat on the garden his swollen lips slowly turning blue. When Tyler found him he couldn't fight the tears. The bloody footprints around Josh told him he had been pacing around. Petals and stems everywhere. Snow dotted with splatters of blood, and Tyler gasped.

"Josh. This is too much blood."

"I know", Josh croaked, his breathing heavy and laboured.

"Please. You need to breathe", the other kneeled in front of him, ignoring the snow, ignoring the blood. The thorns on the stems stuck to his skin but he ignored that too.

"I can see it", Josh mumbled staring in the distance behind Tyler.

"Josh, please. I love you."

"I would have stayed just for you. I would. But I can't", the other said still staring in the distance. Something approaching.

Another bout of cluster of coughs shook him and Tyler watched in shock how the blood tainted Josh's palm, flowing between his fingers.

"Stay. I'll change. I'll try everything."

"Tyler you... you can't."

The shiny tears fell from Josh's void eyes, but he was glad the death was near. It meant the pain would cease to exist. And so would he. There would be nothing else reminding of his past existence than the blooming roses and Tyler's sorrow.

"I couldn't get the last one out. Please?" Josh pointed at the stem in his chest.

Shaking his head Tyler wiped his eyes, "But it must hurt."

"Everything does. There's only pure agony left."

Josh's eyes had fixated again to the horizon. Tyler was shivering because of the coldness. He could feel the death lingering. Staring at them. Waiting.

"Will you miss me when I'm gone?" Josh murmured. More coughing. The petals were again everywhere.

"You know I will", Tyler answered and started to pull the stem out.

One by one he watched as the thorns came to surface, while Josh screamed. Then there was nothing more to scream. Tyler didn't see anything from the blood that was on his hand and clothes. Soaking through his everything.

"Maybe in another life", he held the shaking, wailing body on his arms.

Josh buried his face to Tyler's neck, fingers grasping to his shirt.

One by one Tyler picked the petals from Josh's hair, listening to the raspy breaths slowly diminishing. _One, two, three, four... _Was he counting the petals or the breaths?

Tears or blood, he didn't know, were rolling down his neck when Josh finally gave in.

He whispered the three words while his hand kept stroking the dark strands, not able to stop. Words that could have meant everything.

But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

\-------------

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. As always, kudos and reviews are absolutely appreciated too.


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